I am one who really likes to learn from failure so I do not repeat. In order to learn I first analyze what transpired so I gain clarity on what caused the failure. What needs to NOT be repeated.
We have all had failed relationships in life. About half of us have had failed marriages in addition to relationship break ups.
How many of us are in relationships and marriages where we are “Happy Enough” https://atomic-temporary-181496879.wpcomstaging.com/2021/01/29/happy-enough/ or on course for a divorce or break up, or in marriages where we have become so complacent with each other we are out of shape, not in good health and fitness, and areas in our marriage are suffering as a result of complacent behavior.
Having long overstayed in a bad marriage I remember telling friends you should not get married for at least three years after meeting someone and here is why. The first year everyone is on the best behavior; the second year comfort is setting in where you start seeing everyone’s true behavior; and the third year is where I find that comfort and complacency start to meet where you have insight into what life together will be. Don’t you want to find that out before a marriage certificate and not after??
My question is at what point do we decide we do not have to show up as the person we were that first year- the person who’s words, who’s actions, who’s appearance, who’s hygiene, who’s effort, who’s respect etc won us over. If how we show up in the beginning is not who we really are- are we not in essence lying to the other person? Winning them over in false pretense?
I have never been one to put on a false pretense. It just has never made sense to me! If my behavior changes towards a person it is because my feelings have changed towards the person or I am self protecting. Like I pretty much cannot keep my hands off of Pilson so he knows if my hands are not on him I am pulled back for some reason.
I think many of us would benefit both personally and our relationships would benefit if we returned to who we would be and how we would show up if we were to date someone new… and show up like that with who we are in relationship with or married to.
All too often we get stuck in complacency and become comfortable with complacency.
I hope all that I share brings value and helps you get back to the you that you miss and the relationship you desire! Or helps those back in dating world.
When I look at my past failed relationships I would be foolish to think that the other person was responsible or fully responsible for the failed relationship and/ or failed marriage. In fact, if I keep the focus on what they did wrong or what they did to me to push me away or cause me to fall out of love or cause me to retreat into myself and escape mentally through whatever means available I will bring forward into new relationships that which I need to clean up and heal within myself to have a truly healthy and fit relationship. It is not that we have to be completely cleaned up and healed to date again- it takes a long time to break bad habits- in a perfect world we DO need awareness so we bring and keep self awareness forward to continue the process of cleaning up and healing so that we do not have negative impact on a potentially blossoming new relationship. Yes, sometimes we do not gain that awareness until we are coupled with a person who has matured enough in their communication to hold up the mirror.
I have always been self reflective and actually pretty grounded in being able to look in the mirror and own my own shit. I have been mature enough to own my own shit with people I need to own shit with. I have gone back many times in my life- doesn’t matter how long ago- and apologized for how I think I wronged someone even if it is a year or two later. When I gain awareness I make amends. It is important for me to keep my mirror clean and my conscious clear.
And sometimes life stressors can cause a foggy mirror and you need that person who cares enough about you, loves you enough; and more importantly, loves themself enough first to communicate when they see your mirror become foggy. Ideally, this is a person who you have a reciprocal relationship with meaning not only can they hold a clear mirror up for you respectfully and out of love, they too learn self awareness and are mature enough to have a clean mirror held up for them with an open mind and without defense.
Sometimes it is requires giving a person space to see the fog and clean their mirror.
We would all love so much to be perfect and we are all anything but perfect. We all have shit we bring to the table… and we all have a personal responsible to clean up our shit. First for ourselves as part of #selfcare and #selflove- and second for our relationship or for the future relationship we desire.
One of the things that has been top of mind for me lately- in thinking about my previous relationships, when observing other relationships, and when thinking of my current relationship and the future of Alex and I (what is required to continue to build towards all that is positive)- is the fine line between being comfortable and complacency in a relationship.
What does it mean to be comfortable? What does it mean to be complacent?
I have communicated before that for Alex and I, we make a conscious effort to not take each other for granted.
I have been outspoken and forthcoming about the financial hardship we have been through and still recovering from. During stress it is especially easy to lose focus and take each other for granted.
Why and how?
It’s simple, when in stressful times it is super easy to look at the other person’s responsibility in current situation and start to pick them apart. They should have done this, why did they not do that. We seek some comfort in removing or lessening personal responsibility by placing the blame elsewhere. Some become very vocal in stress, others more quiet. Once we go into a negative space, it is very easy to stay there. It is very easy to forget about all the person does positive and the positive they bring to our life and how much fun we have with them and focus on what they have not done. We start picking them apart and all that they do or what they do not do apart. Even the good starts to become a negative because we look at it differently. If we did not have so much fun together we would have this or that. We begin what I call the “toilet seat syndrome”. We forget the fun, we forget all the good, we forget all the positive, and focus on what we do not have. What we focus on expands!
It’s a vicious cycle because once you start picking apart another person you open the foundation for them in defense of themselves- a very natural reaction- to start picking you apart. What you have done to hurt them, what you have not done that you should have, what you do-they feel-you should not do, all the ways you have fallen short in their eyes. Where you have been vocal in upset to point out all their wrongs and responsibilities- they may keep theirs internal. When people do not apologize and sincerely apologize for their hurtful words or actions the hurt and action lingers like smoldering smoke that could erupt into destructive flames.
In the Bible Jesus says, those that have not sinned cast the first stone. We just love casting stones when we are far from perfect.
We love judging; and yet, hate being judged.
Life happens. No one was prepared for covid and extended lockdowns and what those meant for so many people and how it impacted so many people negatively financially. Remember, that not all industry’s were permitted to work! Many companies had to layoff a lot of people to not go under. Laid off during a time businesses were not hiring. Household incomes were impacted negatively. We were locked down with people we may not of necessarily wanted to be locked down with:)
When I had friends that were complaining about being stuck at home with their partners-and Alex and I were discovering that we could spend 24/7 together and love each other even more… create new ways to have fun together that cost no money… not get sick of each other… and have some of the best date nights without ever leaving the apartment- I knew I had met my match- I knew we had each met our match- I knew we were true twin flames. And that we could and can have an amazing life together if we don’t take it for granted and fuck it up.
-If we do not take each other for granted!
-If we do not become complacent thinking there is some magic in being twin flames that means we can do whatever the fuck we want and it not have the ability to tear it apart.
To the contrary, I believe that when you feel you have truly met your match you hold it tight and protect it fearlessly and fiercely.
You do what it takes to keep the flame burning strong and bright. You gain comfort in having deep intimacy you have never had. You do not get comfortable where you become complacent and lazy in effort.
It is when we become so comfortable that we think our relationship is invincible that I believe we lose focus on what matters most. We might even enter a selfish realm because we have a confidence we have never had.
We think we are unbreakable and I promise everything is breakable if it is not properly handled.
We might even take it for granted because we forget the journey of bad relationships it took to get to where we are so we stop appreciating what we have.
We might take if for granted by not seeking to understand, supporting, and learning more about our partner. For example, the world freaks out when I write about sexual health when most of you need not only needed change in your health and fitness, you have desires for improvement in your sex life. Do you take the time to learn about your partners changes in body and sexual health each decade or are you just doing the same old foreplay you have always have done which maybe worked when they were younger and no longer works because their bodies have changed? People are having surface conversations and not the conversations that really matter between a couple.
We then become complacent and when we become complacent the high that the relationship once provided diminishes and we start seeking that high in things or other people. We stop appreciating what we have and want more and more and more.
If we did and do not not clean up our own shit we are often seeking more because we are not whole within- whole with ourselves so how could we possible be whole with anyone else.
I end on this note… the honeymoon phases ends because we allow it to end. We think it has to end- that it is inevitable- because that is the message we have been taught or that is what has been role modeled for us.
It only ends because we get comfortable and complacent- first with ourselves and then in our relationship. We stop dating, we stop putting in the effort, and we stop keeping things fresh and fun.
The one thing I have learned is that just does not work for me.
Does it work for you?
My Rule #7 that I am in practice of for a truly healthy and fit life
1) Don’t get comfortable… other than with the intimacy that a deep- authentic- real relationship has between two people that are very open with each other create.
Comfortable is the death of great!
Comfortable does not promote growth and if we are not growing we are going backwards.
2) Don’t get complacent with yourself or complacent in a relationship, that is, if your goal is to be great and have a great relationship.
Complacency leads to unwanted territory both personally and as a couple.
My goal is that our relationship is stronger tomorrow than it was today. Stronger and even better next year than it was this year.
What do I control in that goal? Only how I show up in the relationship!
Will I show up my very best if I am comfortable or complacent- don’t think so.
Alex deserves my best and I deserve his best.
I end on this note…
For those back in the dating world…. be you from day one. Do not behave in a manner you cannot maintain for one year, two years, three years, or 30 years.
What’s the point?
Be who you are and impress with who you are 100% authentic- not who you are not because pretend is not sustainable and all pretend does is set up for future let down.
Be who you so you can find your true match… not a pretend match.
If the version of you that you show up with in the beginning is the version of you that you like better than make change to become that person. Dating is dating to determine who you would like to enter into a relationship with- all aspects are considered. We usually all compromise on something that is not in the scheme of things a big priority or that part is fulfilled in a different way… however compromise on something that never existed is different than losing something that did exist.
Make sense?
Does anyone like a takeaway? NO!
You do not find love songs that have lyrics he just started sending me flowers after 20 years… you do get lyrics he does not send me flowers anymore.
People do not complain about bonuses… they complain about things taken away or no longer happening.
I have never heard a man complain he is getting more sex than he wants. I have heard in all my male friendships complaints they are getting less sex than they were or not getting oral anymore etc.
Again, no one likes takeaways!
Takeaways come from complacency and comfort. Two slow deaths to a relationship.
One BadAss BITCH 