Never Ever Should I…

What a memory of 7 years ago. Bitter sweet.

In life, we have choices, focus on the positives or focus on the negatives.

What we choose to focus on- the positive or the negative- has a big impact on our mental well being. Mental well being, an important part of a healthy and fit lifestyle. You cannot be truly healthy and fit without good mental health- it is part of it.

Yes, I share the good, the bad, and the ugly with you! Sometimes you may only get 10% of the bad and the ugly because of three truths;

1. I focus on the positives and I do all I can to keep my energy focussed on that which I can control and not on that which I cannot control.
2. I believe in taking the high road. My feed is to educate, teach, and help others- it is not about hate, getting even, or causing hurt. I cannot control how others show up- their belief system, their judgements, etc- I can control how I show up.
3. It involves other people for whom I need to protect and/ or honor their wishes to remain private or keep them in the light they want others to see them in (their front) or honor their fakebook desires.

And for this outspoken woman, it is not always easy to take the high road. Trust me when I say I have a voice and the intelligence where my where vocal instrument could literally cut a person into two. In my younger, less mature years, I am not proud to say there are a few times where I responded with that instrument and know the power it and I have with it.

I choose to use my vocal instrument for the good.

Sometimes my high road is silence (ignore), sometimes it is an education post (to help open minds and hearts), sometimes it is showing love in return of words of hate towards me because I understand that hate is a person who is unhappy in some area of their life, sometimes it is creating distance for the mental health of all involved including myself.

Focus on the positives or focus on the negatives. It is a personal choice and outside influences meaning people other than ourselves can have a huge impact on what we choose to focus on.

One of things I did with my kids growing up is I had mom-daughter date nights and mom- son date nights. With two daughters and one son I thought it was especially important we had individual time so they each knew how special they were to me and how special they are as humans. It was their time with me- they got to choose where we ate and what we did.

You already know I went through a very bitter and nasty divorce a few years ago. He did not want the divorce or that is what he thought and after 7 years of marriage counseling I was done. I was ready to start living a truly happy life.

We, adults, often stay in relationships we shouldn’t because we think it is what is “best for the kids”.

It is not!

Kids deserve to be witness to two adults who love each other, who work together in co-parenting, who never discuss the other in a negative light, two people who can maturely navigate conflict, two people that have coping skills, two people who support each other and show a united front!

So in the words of Mark Groves @createthelove “how about clean up your shit on behalf of your kids” and if it cannot be cleaned up exit with love and respect on behalf of the kids.

If you are not following Mark Groves by now, you should be because he is amazing.

A unhappy marriage is unhealthy for all- especially the kids!

It does not matter their age- they should never ever be placed in the middle, placed in position to choose between parents, placed in position to pick sides. They should not be an ear in divorce- ever- PERIOD!

The sad thing is great memories can be temporarily forgotten when one parents tries so hard to bring down the other- to be the victim in the eyes of the kids.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent- we all strive to do a little better if not a lot better than our parents did.

Parenting is hard! Hardest job on the planet.

As a parent, we owe it to our children of any age, to get our shit together.

A hurt person who has vindictive traits will plant seeds to create storylines in their child’s mind to fit their agenda. To be victorious. They want the other parent to be the villain and them to be the hero.

Healthy, right? NOT!!

They do so not understanding the damage they are causing to everyone- including themselves.

My kids are in healing mode… and healing modes go through phases because it is just like grief.

People do things out of hurt they would not normally do- when one cannot keep their emotions between the lines- they will involve others even if those others are their kids because they are in victims mode and vindictive mode.

Vindictive mode is what I call I want to hurt them worse than they are hurting me. Hurt people hurt people- they want to hurt the other person they feel hurt them. Those with vindictive traits want to strike even harder.

They are so caught up in emotion they cannot think rationale because if and when they do they see the truth! That truth is you cannot have one miserable person and one happy person in the same marriage/ relationship. So, if the shit cannot be worked out, maturely move on and that means do so with love and respect on behalf of the kids so they can be spared from additional hurt and unwanted pain in an already negative situation for them (their parents splitting). So they can witness two people who love them enough they do not involve them in marital matters.

So many memories pop up that I do not share because I am giving my kids the space they need to heal.

Why? Because the only way for me to get them out of the middle when they were being put in the middle, the only way for me to stop the madness was to distance myself from the situation in hopes that the waters would calm for them.

There was a point in time where they could not even speak that they saw me without a million questions etc. And then being made to feel guilty- to choose sides.

That is how they felt anyways! Once’s perception is their reality.

We all have the ability to make up storylines that fit the narrative we are feeling about ourselves with or without outside influence. Once we go into victim mode, we focus on everything and anything that validates that feeling.

Part of the journey requires “me, myself, and I time” to journal- remove outside influence and opinion- and pour our hearts, thoughts, and feelings down on paper. As long as someone stays within he influence- they cannot break down to breakthrough.

We, each for ourselves, have to come full circle. Work through the bullshit to get back to the truth- back to reality- erasing the storylines we have told ourselves or others have influenced us to have.

I would also add professional help can be useful if the right professional is chosen. Each medical professional is not created equal- that is for damn sure!

I trust that each of my kids will come full circle through their journey and our relationship will be stronger than ever.

And that does not and should not have to come at the expense of another parent being threatened by it.

My true opinion is, two parents, married or divorced, should always show a united front, should never talk bad about the other, and should always create an environment where their kids of any age feel safe, secure, and free to love both equally.

I have written about Alex Pilson and his ex making a decision, and I am sure there were some not so perfect times, and they adulted up on behalf of their beautiful daughter to ensure her mental well being.

As a result of their adulting, it creates a pathway for his ex and I to have a great relationship for the good of their Daughter. It creates a pathway for Alex and her boyfriend to have a great relationship on behalf of their daughter. And it creates the pathway for their daughter to have a strong relationship with their significant other.

I end on this note…

A parent- child relationship never ends regardless of the age of the child. It never ends. Parent first- friend second.

What does this mean to me?

One of the things I learned a long time ago as a result of my relationship with my Mom.

It means to me, for what it worth to you, regardless of marriage or dating or relationship- our kids should not be the ear of our upset with our partner or break-up.

First and foremost, you never know what the future holds and break-ups can be temporary breaks.

Most importantly, what we speak is never without some emotion involved because it is our heart involved. It can be slated and most likely is.

Lastly, for most, human behavior is we tend to spill the entire story about the person who has hurt us and we “sugarcoat” or leave out our entire part (story) of how we hurt them because we do not want our children to think less of us. So we them give information that allows our kids, family members, etc to create biases based on not all the information.

We should always be there to be an ear for them- their relationships to listen, offer advice should they ask for it, direct them to advice such as Mark Groves should they be open to it. I am just a strong believer, right or wrong, that we should never let our kids regardless of age be our ear for our relationships. It places them in very awkward positions especially if that break is temporary.

It causes them to feel insecure in being able to connect, truly connect with your significant other. Insecure about your relationship and even perhaps have stress for your well being.

This is my opinion based on life experiences and observations!

I welcome your opinion in comments.